If you’ve ever thought, “I just want to feel better,” you are not alone. It is one of the most natural human responses to emotional discomfort.
When something feels painful — anxiety, sadness, shame, self-doubt — the instinct is to reduce it. We distract ourselves. We analyse our thoughts. We try to think more positively. We push feelings away. We attempt to regain control.
This makes sense. Our minds are brilliant problem-solvers.
They evolved to detect danger, predict outcomes, and keep us safe. When something feels uncomfortable, the mind treats it like a problem that needs solving.
The difficulty is that emotions are not external problems. They are internal experiences.
And internal experiences do not respond well to force.
The Psychology of Struggle
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), there is a distinction between two kinds of suffering:
Primary pain — the natural emotion itself (anxiety, sadness, fear, disappointment).
Secondary suffering — the struggle with that emotion.
Primary pain is part of being human.
Secondary suffering is created when we fight, resist, suppress, or judge what we are feeling.
For example:
- Anxiety about a presentation is primary pain.
- Telling yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” trying to eliminate the anxiety, and worrying about worrying — that is secondary suffering.
The emotion may not increase because it is “too big.”
It often increases because it is being resisted.
Why Trying to Control Feelings Backfires
Research into thought suppression, particularly the work of psychologist Daniel Wegner on “ironic processes” of mental control, shows that when we try very hard not to think about something, the mind often brings it back more frequently. In order to check that a thought has gone, the brain must keep monitoring for it — which keeps it active in awareness.
Similar patterns can occur with emotions. When the goal becomes “I must not feel anxious,” attention stays fixed on the feeling. The more we monitor and attempt to eliminate it, the more prominent it can become.
Struggle signals threat.
The brain responds accordingly.
Over time, this creates exhaustion — not because the original emotion was unbearable, but because of the effort spent fighting it.
A Different Approach
ACT does not suggest liking painful emotions or approving of difficult experiences. Instead, it proposes something more subtle: changing your relationship with them.
Rather than:
- Eliminating anxiety
- Fixing sadness
- Controlling thoughts
The shift becomes:
- Allowing feelings to be present
- Noticing thoughts without wrestling with them
- Choosing actions based on what matters, even when discomfort is present
When the struggle softens, energy becomes available again.
Emotions often move more freely.
Thoughts lose some of their urgency.
Not because they disappeared.
But because they are no longer being fought.
A Gentle Reflection
What have you been working very hard to get rid of?
And how much energy has that required?
Sometimes relief begins not by trying harder — but by loosening the grip.
New Horizon Therapy Centre 
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