When you want things to change, but feel stuck

Many people arrive at counselling or hypnotherapy feeling confused or frustrated with themselves. They often say things like, “I know something needs to change, but I don’t know why I can’t just get on with it,” or “I feel stuck, even though I want things to be different.”

This experience is far more common than people realise.

We live in a world that often suggests change should be quick, logical, and straightforward. In reality, change is usually slower and more complex, shaped by our thoughts, emotions, and life experiences. Wanting change doesn’t automatically mean knowing how to create it — and it certainly doesn’t mean something is wrong with you if it feels difficult.

Often, people come to therapy very clear about what they don’t want.

They might say, “I don’t want to feel anxious anymore,” “I don’t want these thoughts,” or “I don’t want to keep feeling this way about myself.”

Anxiety, worry, intrusive or critical thoughts, and uncomfortable feelings often become the main focus — and understandably so. When something feels distressing or overwhelming, it makes sense to want it to stop.

However, when we only focus on what we want to get rid of, it can leave us feeling stuck. We may know exactly what we don’t want in our lives, yet feel unsure about what we do want, how to move forward, or how to sustain change.

Many people notice that even when they want change, they struggle to follow through, lose momentum, or slip back into familiar patterns. This can feel frustrating or confusing, and is often one of the reasons people seek support.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we gently shift the focus (not away from the pain, but alongside it). Rather than asking only, “How do I stop feeling this?” we begin to explore questions such as:

• What matters to me?
• What kind of life do I want to build?
• How do I want to show up, even when things feel hard?

This doesn’t mean ignoring anxiety or difficult thoughts. It means learning to notice them, name them, and normalise them — while also reconnecting with meaning, values, and direction. For many people, this can feel like a relief: a sense that life doesn’t have to be on hold until uncomfortable feelings disappear.

This perspective resonates deeply with me, both personally and professionally.

I have lived with anxiety, patterns of worrying, catastrophising, and feeling caught in cycles of overthinking. For a long time, I believed these experiences meant something was wrong with me — that I needed to fix myself or get rid of certain thoughts and feelings before I could move forward.

Through my own therapeutic journey, and my training as a counsellor and hypnotherapist, I came to understand something different. These patterns are not signs of failure. They are common human responses, particularly during times of stress, uncertainty, or change.

Our minds are very good at trying to protect us. They predict, warn, and problem-solve. The difficulty is that when we become entangled with every thought, treating it as something that must be resolved or controlled, life can begin to feel restricted or overwhelming.

This understanding is explored clearly in The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach that has resonated strongly with me and now informs much of my ongoing training and clinical work. One of its core messages is that struggling with thoughts and feelings is not a personal failing — it is part of being human.

You may find the short video below helpful, as it introduces some of these ideas in an accessible way:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv6HkipQcfA

Rather than focusing on eliminating discomfort, ACT encourages us to build a meaningful life alongside it.

Counselling and hypnotherapy have been tools that helped me clarify what truly matters to me and how I want to live. Living meaningfully doesn’t mean life becomes easy or free from challenge. It means developing the ability to cope, adapt, and stay connected to what matters, even when difficult thoughts and feelings arise.

Change often begins quietly — with awareness rather than action, and with understanding rather than judgement. It starts by noticing what is already present, and gently turning towards how we want to live, rather than focusing only on what we want to avoid.

Over the coming weeks, I’ll be sharing reflections on change, informed by ACT principles, exploring how we can move forward in ways that feel supportive, realistic, and human.

For now, it may be enough simply to notice what you don’t want — and to gently begin wondering what you do want instead.